Science: My Ass

Science: My Ass

I know what you’re thinking. That I’m going to make some big, heartfelt and dramatic pronouncement about my position regarding vaccinations or climate change or some other science related topic that has dominated the news lately. But I’m not. I’m here to talk about the most important scientific discovery of the 21st Century that no one is talking about. One that has not gotten nearly enough attention: the correlation between having a big ass and having smart children.
.
That’s right. My big ass is finally an asset.

Vindication is sweet considering a life lived with a prominent posterior. Sure, for those of us with some junk in the trunk Sir Mix A Lot may have sung our praises, but his appreciation was merely a brief respite in a society where the standard of body beauty has favored heroin chic; lithe, muscular athletes; and everything thin in between. In a world where clothing appears to be made for women with the body type of a hanger, being a big booty girl was not always favorable. Until science told us otherwise.

I’ve always known my children are brilliant. I just didn’t know I had my ass to thank for it. However, unlike the size of my butt, their higher intelligence is not always evident.

Right now, despite his brainpower, my eleven-year-old son’s current life goal is to be the Sexiest Man alive. (Thank you, People Magazine, for giving my child such lofty life goals.) However, I’m sure Jonas Salk was on pretty much the same path before he discovered the vaccine for polio, so I’m not worried.

On the other hand, my eight-year-old spent last night flushing ice cubes down the toilet while wearing his pajamas inside out and backward in the hopes of it resulting in a snow day.

“You know this is just a superstition, right? There is no actual scientific evidence this works,” I told him.

“Listen woman, just put the spoon under your pillow and we’ll see what the science says in the morning.” (FYI, we ended up having a delayed opening. I told you he was brilliant.)

So, when my youngest son figures out a way to reverse climate change with ice cubes, pajamas, and spoons, you can thank my big ass. When my oldest son is featured on the cover of People Magazine as the Sexiest Scientist alive (after discovering the cure for the zombie epidemic) you can thank my big ass. (FYI, if he’s also the one who started the zombie epidemic, we’re going to blame that on my husband’s compact, yet still shapely, ass.)

So bodacious booty mothers, please use your wide load wisely. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. (And a mom with a big ass.) Teach your children well. Make sure they use their big brains for the good of mankind. And make sure they know all the words to Baby Got Back.

Christina Surretsky wanted to be Wonder Woman, Princess Leia or one of Charlie’s Angels when she grew up. However, after the realization that none of these would pan out, she decided to pursue a career in advertising, and then moved on to a gig as a mother (a field in which she currently still dabbles). Eventually she heard the siren’s call of the pen (or, really, computer) and began writing. A freelance writer and blogger, she recently released her debut novel Divine Bloodlines. Besides writing, she is an avid local volunteer, a lover of good (and some would say bad) books, a yoga enthusiast and a student of the art of sarcasm. She resides in New Jersey with her husband and two sons. She can be found on Twitter (@ChrisSurretsky), Facebook, and at Christina Surretsky.